The place and the woman who decided to swim like a camel are swimming in the shallow water. But maybe it started unintentionally: you finally start cleaning the kitchen properly, and your wife is so happy that you finally get into bed together.
Or maybe it’s something specific: you stopped working for a while, and your partner said they would thank you a little – something if you get up and do it already – so, it’s well, you stopped everything and finally did that. Regardless of how it started, now it has become a permanent arrangement, talk or not.
Sometimes, couples find themselves in a crisis where sex has become a liability in their relationship. It is given or “given” by a partner for the other person to do what the giver wants them to do – usually in the form of household chores, but also sometimes things like meeting your goals. And although any couple can enter into this arrangement, it is good to know that in a relationship between a man and a woman, it is usually the man who receives the sexual reward.
Now, this change is not always a bad thing. Using sex for personal gain may be perfectly acceptable if it is done only from time to time, in activities such as recreational sports, gambling, or a shared ritual rather than a true quid pro quo. But mostly, it only works if it’s part of a fulfilling sex life that’s active outside of those situations.
But if sex is used only as a means of agreement between a couple, it can indicate problems in the relationship – and can cause further damage. Here are five reasons why the arrangement can be problematic.
1. It turns sex into a transaction.
Making sex a reward turns the desire for pleasure and connection into something commercial and separable.
Couples have sex for many different reasons: to express love, to feel connected, to celebrate the gospel, to simply enjoy physical and mental things together. All of these motivations include seeing sex as something that satisfies each other and makes the relationship healthy.
But when the motivation for sex is to make your partner do something, sex is no longer related to well-being as a tool for personal gain. Similarly, if you see sex as something you have to “get” from your partner, your partner becomes an obstacle or a conduit to meet your sexual needs. Your own – as opposed to the person you are trying to connect with. . What’s worse is that the person providing the “reward” may end up having sex that he doesn’t like or even want. Or they have sex just to satisfy the person who received the reward.
Unwanted or one-sided sex is never enjoyable. If someone is not interested in supporting their sexuality, it can make them less interested in sex in general. In other words, the reward of sex can be a killer for some people. In many cases, it is also the opposite of what the wage earner really wants: to have sex, often.
2. He thinks that people are not interested in having sex.
Sex-like rewards often work under the assumption that only one partner likes and wants sex, and the other “leaves.” Generally, in male-female relationships, men are often seen as the ones who always want to have sex, while women are seen as gatekeepers who decide whether men will get it. Among many other flaws, this line of thinking misses a very important fact: women also like sex.
Yes, in some cases the person having a relationship is on the asexual spectrum and actually has little or no interest in sex. But in most cases, good sex is something both partners want and enjoy. What is often missing is the right situation (for example, young children screaming) or the right sex (ie, sex that makes his toes curl). So, if your partner is willing to have sex with you if it means you’ll end up cleaning the toilet, there will be more discussion.
Sex is not something you get “from your partner. It should be something good and exciting for both of you. If your wife doesn’t feel the same way about sex, explain why. Focus on how you can “make” him have sex and more on how to help him have a good time in bed as he wants to have sex with you.
3. It often involves homelessness.
When sex is sold for domestic work, it almost always shows inequality in domestic work. Ideally, whether both partners share in the housework and childcare, or split the work, each partner does at least their part without the other. Instead, one person feels that it is necessary to suspend the possibility of having sex in order to make the other person do their part – a method that can make it effective in doing all the work, but it does not solve the problem. No work or pressure from other areas of life getting in your way.
Sex wages are only a relief, and as long as the inequality continues, frustration and anger can worsen for the person who feels that he is doing all the work at home (without no one gives it). When having sex “thanks” someone who is not necessarily his burden.
Often this happens because the carrier feels helpless and has no choice. They may feel that there is no other way for their partner to change their behavior and become more involved in the housework – a sign, in a way, that they are beginning to see their partner less as a partner. It will be considered as something that cannot be denied to be solved or a child that needs to be taken care of. Unexpectedly, having this baby or even demeaning your partner can damage your relationship over time.
4. It shows lack of generosity.
A relationship thrives on generosity: a heartfelt desire to give and take cares of your partner, simply because you love them and want to make them happy.
When sex becomes a reward, it is usually because there is a lack of generosity on both sides. A person who decides to have sex with his partner depends on his partner doing some work and working to create an environment where there must be love. They basically say, I will love you if you work hard for it. You have to work to deserve love, care and attention.
For someone who expects to be paid for doing important household chores or doing things that make their partner happy, the message below is that I will only help you if I get something out of it. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t care about helping you or making your life better.
Some studies have shown that couples who focus too much on trying to “change their equal value” (both sexual and otherwise) tend to have lower relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction. Someone else usually has a satisfying relationship. In general, research has shown that the best relationships are where partners are willing to be generous, to give love freely, even when it involves little effort.
It means that you are motivated to be intimate at home only because you know it is important to the person you are dealing with, not because you think it will bring you good luck. On the one hand, it means being motivated to take care of your partner’s sexual needs simply because you care about their happiness, and nothing else.
5. Manipulation is not good
Last but not least, the truth is that your partner is never accepted. They should be doing things—whether it’s having sex or doing the dishes—because they want to do them, not because you’ve tricked them, coerced them, or coerced them into doing them.
Ultimately, it’s about respect: respecting your partner’s company, trusting that your partner will step in and help you if they understand what you want, and being proactive addressing any issues they may have rather than blanketing them with changes and ultimatums.
In the end, a couple who consider sex as a commodity between them is passing through treacherous waters. Although this may appear to be a valid agreement on the surface, they tend to ignore the underlying factors that can, over time, cause the relationship to sold out. In the end, they also miss out on some of the most important things that build a relationship: good cooperation, generosity, and the kind of sex you can’t get enough of.